0 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org 1 00:00:03,014 --> 00:00:06,404 2 00:00:06,614 --> 00:00:09,890 3 00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:13,370 4 00:00:13,574 --> 00:00:16,805 5 00:00:17,014 --> 00:00:20,893 6 00:00:21,094 --> 00:00:24,211 7 00:00:24,414 --> 00:00:28,373 8 00:00:28,574 --> 00:00:31,168 9 00:00:35,694 --> 00:00:38,083 So how's the food poisoning now? 10 00:00:38,254 --> 00:00:41,644 Oh, it comes and goes when it thinks it will, you know. 11 00:00:42,654 --> 00:00:45,452 One minute I'm fine and the next minute... 12 00:00:47,374 --> 00:00:49,763 Violently sick! 13 00:00:50,974 --> 00:00:53,534 This is nice. What is it? 14 00:00:53,734 --> 00:00:56,123 I got the recipe from... Oh, how was it? 15 00:00:56,294 --> 00:00:58,888 Very nice. Very nice with my grey coat. 16 00:00:59,054 --> 00:01:04,048 Try it more at an angle. You've got it jammed on there like an aerosol cap. 17 00:01:04,694 --> 00:01:07,083 Put it more to one side. 18 00:01:07,254 --> 00:01:10,246 There. Makes you look more distinguished. 19 00:01:10,414 --> 00:01:13,770 Very smart. He looks like President Gorbachev. 20 00:01:14,974 --> 00:01:17,966 Yes, very nice. Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys. 21 00:01:18,134 --> 00:01:22,252 It was my Uncle Edwin's. They were going to bury him in it, 22 00:01:22,454 --> 00:01:27,050 but I said, ''No. Why waste it on a corpse? Give it to Victor Meldrew.'' 23 00:01:28,574 --> 00:01:31,532 Yes, that's very thoughtful of you, Mrs Warboys. 24 00:01:31,734 --> 00:01:36,683 You'll be able to wear that on holiday. Is it Saturday you fly out or Sunday? 25 00:01:36,894 --> 00:01:39,283 Saturday morning. Yes. 26 00:01:39,454 --> 00:01:43,049 The first time he's flown since... Oh, I don't like to think. 27 00:01:43,254 --> 00:01:46,371 - He doesn't go much on it, does he? - Flying? Terrified. 28 00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:50,965 Terrified of the whole prospect. What was it he said last year? 29 00:01:51,134 --> 00:01:55,924 He'd rather have two weeks at a seaside guest house run by Pol Pot. 30 00:01:57,294 --> 00:01:59,683 Than go up in an aeroplane. 31 00:01:59,894 --> 00:02:01,930 Who's Pol Pot? 32 00:02:02,134 --> 00:02:08,448 Don't ask me. Not a very nice person, I don't imagine. Anyway, this year I put my foot down. 33 00:02:08,614 --> 00:02:13,608 There was this fortnight, very reasonable. I said, ''Why don't we just take the plunge?'' 34 00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,924 - Athens, you say? - Yes. You ever been there? 35 00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:22,724 I haven't been there myself, but I hear it's absolutely horrible. 36 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:29,804 Oh, no, I mean I haven't been there for myself. It's probably lovely. 37 00:02:29,974 --> 00:02:32,363 Well, hope so. 38 00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:38,450 I just read it's one of the ten most unpleasant places on earth you could go to for a holiday. 39 00:02:38,654 --> 00:02:44,047 - Oh, goody, goody (!) - For pollution, congestion and what have you. 40 00:02:45,054 --> 00:02:46,851 Oh. 41 00:02:47,574 --> 00:02:49,565 Filth! 42 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:54,728 - Squalor, litter in the streets. - Er, could you pass the cake tin, please? 43 00:02:55,974 --> 00:03:00,365 - Thanks. - Oh, noise! They say noise is the first thing. 44 00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:05,767 From the traffic and everything. I hope Victor wasn't planning on getting any sleep over there. 45 00:03:07,774 --> 00:03:12,165 - We did think about it, you know. - Oh, no. It'll be lovely, I'm sure. 46 00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:17,124 A nice break for you both. And about time as well, if you ask me. 47 00:03:19,774 --> 00:03:22,368 Raw sewage! That's another one. 48 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:26,527 I'll just finish off in the hall, if you don't mind. 49 00:03:26,694 --> 00:03:31,085 Oh, I saved you this cutting from the Sunday supplement. 50 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,051 Er... 51 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:38,413 Let's see. Oh, yes. ''Athens airport is a particularly hazardous one 52 00:03:38,974 --> 00:03:44,367 ''due to slippery runway, poor markings, extremely bad air-traffic control 53 00:03:44,534 --> 00:03:47,207 ''and a highly dangerous over-run.'' 54 00:03:47,414 --> 00:03:51,965 Thank you. It'll give us something to read on the plane. 55 00:03:52,174 --> 00:03:55,166 A fortnight down and a mark already! 56 00:03:57,174 --> 00:03:59,165 Damn. 57 00:04:07,574 --> 00:04:11,362 ''Mix into foam and spread evenly over the pile. 58 00:04:11,534 --> 00:04:14,173 ''Do not over-wet carpet.'' 59 00:04:14,374 --> 00:04:17,571 - I've got it now! Pol Pot. - Yes? 60 00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:21,727 Didn't he used to do the mini-marathon on ''It's A Knockout''? 61 00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:26,325 - Oh, yeah. The Fil Rouge? - Khmer Rouge, I think you'll find. 62 00:04:27,294 --> 00:04:29,285 (DOORBELL RINGS) 63 00:04:32,774 --> 00:04:34,969 - Electricity. - What? 64 00:04:35,134 --> 00:04:37,523 - Can I read your meter, please? - Stay there. 65 00:04:37,734 --> 00:04:42,125 No, I'm afraid I've got to read it, sir. You've had four estimates in a row. 66 00:04:42,294 --> 00:04:47,687 Don't tread all that muck inside, please! Do you mind just slipping your shoes off? Please. 67 00:04:48,974 --> 00:04:52,410 - Is that the girl from Oxfam? - Electricity! 68 00:04:52,614 --> 00:04:57,005 Oh. So it's all been a bit of a rush, really, but as I said... 69 00:04:57,174 --> 00:04:59,642 What is it? Are you feeling sick? 70 00:05:06,494 --> 00:05:11,443 Do you know there's a headless teddy bear in there on an exercise bike? 71 00:05:12,174 --> 00:05:16,770 - Yes, I do know that, thank you very much. - It's a bit surreal, isn't it? 72 00:05:17,774 --> 00:05:22,564 Never mind surreal! Just get on with your job. For goodness' sake! 73 00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:34,529 His head's hanging on the wall with a hook through his ear. 74 00:05:34,694 --> 00:05:39,484 I expect the social services will be round tomorrow to seize him for his own good. 75 00:05:39,654 --> 00:05:44,444 If you've quite finished, Loyd Grossman, I don't need a bloody conducted tour! 76 00:05:44,614 --> 00:05:47,651 - Just get in and read that meter... - (DOORBELL) 77 00:05:49,094 --> 00:05:50,686 Yes? 78 00:05:50,894 --> 00:05:55,285 Now you sit still there and I'll be back in a second. 79 00:05:56,214 --> 00:06:00,207 - Was it the girl from Oxfam? Give her the box? - I did, yes. 80 00:06:01,774 --> 00:06:04,288 All right, are we? All done? 81 00:06:06,174 --> 00:06:10,884 - Are you all right? - A bit queasy in the stomach, Mr Meldrew. 82 00:06:11,054 --> 00:06:13,443 Have you tried Andrews Liver Salts? 83 00:06:13,614 --> 00:06:18,404 It's very good, but you have to drink it right back while it's still frothy. 84 00:06:29,494 --> 00:06:34,773 Margaret! Will you bring her down the Andrews? We've still got some somewhere, I think. 85 00:06:34,974 --> 00:06:37,693 Where's my shoes? My shoes? 86 00:06:37,894 --> 00:06:42,285 - Shoes? - The things I was wearing when I came here. 87 00:06:42,494 --> 00:06:47,284 I... Oh. You didn't put them on top of that cardboard box? 88 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:51,726 - I might have done. Why? - That's just gone off to Oxfam! 89 00:06:52,974 --> 00:06:56,728 - Are you winding me up? - Why didn't you look where you put them? 90 00:06:56,934 --> 00:07:01,724 I didn't think I was putting them on the next plane to bloody Mozambique! 91 00:07:01,894 --> 00:07:05,284 Whisked away to be air-dropped to famine victims? 92 00:07:05,454 --> 00:07:10,050 How am I supposed to go out there now in that lot with no shoes on? 93 00:07:10,214 --> 00:07:12,808 Slop up and down like Gene Kelly (?) 94 00:07:13,014 --> 00:07:17,610 All right, all right. I'd better give you a pair of mine. 95 00:07:29,974 --> 00:07:32,363 I suppose you'd better have these. 96 00:07:39,374 --> 00:07:43,367 - What size of feet are they?! - Thirteen. 97 00:07:43,534 --> 00:07:45,923 These are only eight and a half. 98 00:07:46,974 --> 00:07:51,764 No wonder Oxfam took them away. You'd get a couple of food parcels in those two. 99 00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:54,323 Tie parachutes to the laces. 100 00:07:54,494 --> 00:08:00,205 And what on earth do you want to wear socks that thick for? There's no need for that! 101 00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:05,010 Have you quite finished? I didn't come here to have the size of my feet ridiculed. 102 00:08:05,174 --> 00:08:07,563 Or the thickness of my socks debated. OK? 103 00:08:07,734 --> 00:08:12,683 Oh! I wonder if I still have that pair of Uncle George's in the attic. He had feet like a Yeti! 104 00:08:28,694 --> 00:08:32,243 They don't exactly go with my trousers, do they? 105 00:08:32,454 --> 00:08:35,810 And I don't like all this thick ribbing. 106 00:08:36,014 --> 00:08:38,574 Have you got something in a dark grey taupe? 107 00:08:38,774 --> 00:08:41,527 What is this? Bloody Freeman, Hardy and Willis? 108 00:08:41,734 --> 00:08:47,331 Hang on. I'll get my team of 50 cobblers to run you up a pair of hand-stitched moccasins! 109 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:52,090 How about that? When can you come back for a second fitting? 110 00:08:52,894 --> 00:08:55,283 You're that strange bloke, aren't you? 111 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:59,328 37 Wingate. They warned me about you. 112 00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:02,253 Mutilated teddy bears in the stair cupboards. 113 00:09:03,254 --> 00:09:07,042 Didn't they say you were going to Athens? For a holiday? 114 00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:12,851 Look, I don't... Who told you I was going to Athens? What the hell is that supposed to mean? 115 00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:17,923 All right, I'll take these, but if they start letting in water, I'll bring them straight back. 116 00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:27,728 - (SIGHS) - Oh, cheer up. 117 00:09:27,894 --> 00:09:30,488 This time next week, we'll be in Athens. 118 00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:32,610 Yes. 119 00:09:32,774 --> 00:09:37,768 If we'd picked some place with the same alphabet, it would have been a start. 120 00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:40,926 At least it's hot and a long way from London. 121 00:09:41,094 --> 00:09:46,691 Yes, so is the planet Mercury. I don't fancy a two-week package holiday there. 122 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:49,243 Well, think of poor old Jean, then. 123 00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:54,010 In hospital tonight, having to have her stomach pumped! 124 00:09:55,174 --> 00:09:58,769 With her husband away for the week, that's all she needed. 125 00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:02,927 What was that? That came on a bit sudden, didn't it? 126 00:10:03,974 --> 00:10:08,365 - Have they found out at all? - It's a complete mystery. 127 00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:13,528 Mrs Berenger told me she just happened to be in for one of her uterine ultrasonics 128 00:10:13,694 --> 00:10:18,484 when the doors suddenly flew open and in they came with her on a trolley. 129 00:10:21,974 --> 00:10:25,364 - Who's Mrs Berenger? - You don't know her. 130 00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:27,923 She comes in the florist's. 131 00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:29,652 Oh! 132 00:10:29,854 --> 00:10:35,451 - Are you still going down the garden centre? - Yes, I was thinking of it. Why? 133 00:10:35,614 --> 00:10:41,007 Well, I said if you were you might give her husband a lift. Their car's off the road. 134 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:46,123 There's something important he wants there. It's Cardigan Crescent, so it's on your way. 135 00:10:46,294 --> 00:10:48,888 Yes, I suppose so, yes. 136 00:10:53,134 --> 00:10:55,170 He's not trouble, is he? 137 00:10:56,134 --> 00:11:00,730 Beep-beep! Mind your backs, ladies! The rhododendron express is coming through! 138 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:05,729 I thank you! Onward, please, commander. Next stop, the pets department. 139 00:11:05,934 --> 00:11:10,132 All aboard! Morning, ladies! Have a nice day! 140 00:11:11,174 --> 00:11:13,563 (BIRDS SINGING) 141 00:11:15,574 --> 00:11:19,567 Hello? Rover! I've told you not to ring me at work! 142 00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:28,764 - No, I don't like the look of these. - What ARE you looking for? Anything? 143 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,765 Ow! 144 00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:37,724 Hell's bells! Are you all right? What have you done to yourself? 145 00:11:37,894 --> 00:11:39,885 Here. 146 00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:44,523 What are you doing? 147 00:11:45,694 --> 00:11:50,563 - He dropped that slab on his foot, poor sod! - No, you. You can walk! 148 00:11:50,774 --> 00:11:54,084 - Yes. - How long have you been able to walk? 149 00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:58,572 Oh, since I was about two. I can't actually remember. 150 00:12:00,214 --> 00:12:03,684 I've been wheeling you about in this thing all morning. 151 00:12:03,894 --> 00:12:08,968 Yes, I thought that was a bit strange, if I'm honest, but I don't really know you. 152 00:12:09,174 --> 00:12:12,246 I thought you were doing me a good turn. 153 00:12:12,454 --> 00:12:14,843 Doing you a good turn?! 154 00:12:15,014 --> 00:12:19,724 What were you doing sitting in it when I came to collect you?! 155 00:12:19,934 --> 00:12:27,409 I was waiting for you! It's my wife's chair. I was just sitting in it waiting till you turned up! 156 00:12:27,574 --> 00:12:32,170 I carried you up three flights of stairs from the car park! 157 00:12:32,374 --> 00:12:34,763 Yes, I wondered why you did that. 158 00:12:34,934 --> 00:12:39,485 But you don't like to interfere and I didn't want to go hurting your feelings. 159 00:12:39,694 --> 00:12:44,848 Hurting my feelings?! What about hurting my bloody back? You nearly killed me! 160 00:12:45,054 --> 00:12:50,003 I'm going home now. I'm going home and you can make your own way back! 161 00:12:50,214 --> 00:12:54,492 - What in here is yours? - The Echinopsis. 162 00:13:01,494 --> 00:13:06,852 At least they didn't have to keep you in long. How are you feeling now? Better? 163 00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:12,651 It's not too bad now. It was just the shock of it coming on suddenly again like that. 164 00:13:12,814 --> 00:13:15,612 Just when we thought the worst of it was over. 165 00:13:16,774 --> 00:13:22,167 They've put me onto some different antibiotics this time, to see how I get on with these. 166 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:26,327 Are you sure you don't want me to ring Chris at the hotel? 167 00:13:26,494 --> 00:13:30,169 Oh, no, no. He'd only worry. No. 168 00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,763 The only thing the hospital reckoned was 169 00:13:32,934 --> 00:13:37,325 that the original bug that they thought had been killed off, hadn't. 170 00:13:38,174 --> 00:13:40,642 It was just lurking about in my system, 171 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,726 waiting to strike again at any minute. 172 00:13:44,894 --> 00:13:47,886 ''Alien''. What's this about? 173 00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:51,928 Victor got those out of the shop. I don't know. Who's in it? 174 00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:57,606 - Ridley Scott. Don't know him. - Well, you like ''Mork And Mindy'', don't you? 175 00:13:57,814 --> 00:14:01,602 Oh, yes. ''Star Trek'', that sort of thing, yes. 176 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:04,163 I'll watch that tonight. 177 00:14:05,014 --> 00:14:07,403 So, how is he now, anyway? 178 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:13,007 I think it will be a godsend, Jean, in the end, this holiday. Just to get away from everything. 179 00:14:13,174 --> 00:14:19,170 We've had so many disasters lately. At times you wonder what else could possibly go wrong! 180 00:14:19,974 --> 00:14:25,765 Look, you can't just mislay a bloody seven-foot-long Indian python! 181 00:14:26,974 --> 00:14:31,843 How many times have I told you to put the top back on this tank whenever you've fed them? 182 00:14:32,854 --> 00:14:37,245 God! That snake could be anywhere by now! And it probably is! 183 00:14:37,414 --> 00:14:39,848 Get looking! 184 00:14:43,774 --> 00:14:47,972 Right, what's next? Mulch. That goes out the front. 185 00:14:48,134 --> 00:14:51,046 Mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch. 186 00:14:52,014 --> 00:14:56,007 Mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch...mulch. 187 00:14:56,174 --> 00:15:01,009 - Ah, you're in! I wondered if you would be. - It isn't Christmas, is it? 188 00:15:01,214 --> 00:15:06,083 Christmas? Aye, could be for you, though, sir. It could be Christmas for you. 189 00:15:06,294 --> 00:15:09,092 - Pardon? - We've got it back, man. 190 00:15:09,254 --> 00:15:13,247 I knew how you'd get upset if you didn't kna' where it was 191 00:15:13,414 --> 00:15:16,372 and we've got it back, your hat, safe and sound. 192 00:15:16,574 --> 00:15:19,805 Oh! You...found it. 193 00:15:20,014 --> 00:15:24,690 Aye, just before it went into the crusher. I said, ''Jesus, there's a hat ganging in! 194 00:15:24,894 --> 00:15:29,604 ''He'll be worried stiff looking for that. It's a brand-new hat. He'll be looking for it.'' 195 00:15:29,814 --> 00:15:31,805 Yes, yes. 196 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:37,970 Well, er, just as well you spotted it before it...went into the crusher. 197 00:15:38,174 --> 00:15:42,964 That's only part of the job, you kna'. You've got to be vigilant, you kna'. 198 00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:47,730 You've got to have your wits aboot you. It's a responsible job, you kna'. 199 00:15:47,894 --> 00:15:52,285 You've gotta look after your customers. You know what I mean? 200 00:15:52,454 --> 00:15:55,924 Oh! Oh. Yes, hold on a second. 201 00:16:03,774 --> 00:16:05,765 Jesus! 202 00:16:09,774 --> 00:16:13,687 Right. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. 203 00:16:13,894 --> 00:16:16,283 You sly old bugger, you. 204 00:16:16,454 --> 00:16:20,891 You're not tellin' me you're keeping snakes like that in here? 205 00:16:21,094 --> 00:16:24,052 Yes, well, thank you very much. 206 00:16:24,254 --> 00:16:30,329 When I saw it ganging up the stairs, I thought, ''Sly old bugger!'' I keep them myself, you kna'. 207 00:16:30,534 --> 00:16:33,526 I've got seven. I've got four tanks. Four tanks. 208 00:16:33,694 --> 00:16:36,083 I've got two upstairs and two doonstairs. 209 00:16:36,254 --> 00:16:41,044 I've got three water snakes, two whip snakes, a boomslanger, a rear fang 210 00:16:41,214 --> 00:16:44,923 and a - listen to this - a Rhombic night adder! 211 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:49,924 - I see. - By the look, that's a canny little sample. 212 00:16:50,094 --> 00:16:55,088 But if I was you, I would have put it back in the tank, you kna'. Put it back in the tank. 213 00:16:55,294 --> 00:17:01,005 They like to get oot the hoose, you kna'. They wander aboot, gang all over the place! 214 00:17:01,214 --> 00:17:05,844 - Fine. And you took all the newspapers as well? - Excuse me. 215 00:17:07,774 --> 00:17:12,370 I tell you what else I've got. I've got a mate what's had an alligator 216 00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:15,128 and it's laid aboot 20 eggs or sumink. 217 00:17:15,294 --> 00:17:18,650 Would you be interested, would you? 218 00:17:19,974 --> 00:17:24,968 Yes, well, fine. Thank you very much. See you again. Thank you. Goodbye. 219 00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:39,524 - What was that he was saying? - I haven't the faintest idea! 220 00:17:40,534 --> 00:17:43,128 Oh, God! I don't know what I'm doing any more. 221 00:17:43,294 --> 00:17:48,288 People are going through my dustbin and selling me back my own rubbish! 222 00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:55,606 I think I'll go out for a walk and see if the fresh air does any good. 223 00:17:57,774 --> 00:18:00,163 (FRONT DOOR CLOSES) 224 00:18:04,174 --> 00:18:06,972 - Better? - Much better, thank you. 225 00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:12,527 Much better for throwing Mrs Warboys' trilby into a builder's skip round the corner. 226 00:18:12,694 --> 00:18:15,288 I never want to see that blasted thing again. 227 00:18:21,374 --> 00:18:25,765 This time tomorrow I suppose we'll be up there, up in the air. 228 00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:29,927 I wish you'd be told. It's as safe as crossing the road. 229 00:18:30,094 --> 00:18:32,483 (SCREECH OF CAR BRAKES) 230 00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:39,850 It's the thought of what your feet are on top of. 231 00:18:40,054 --> 00:18:43,524 - What? - Nothing! Absolutely nothing! 232 00:18:43,694 --> 00:18:46,083 Nothing between you and the ground. 233 00:18:46,294 --> 00:18:51,084 What happens if there's turbulence? It'll be the Isle of Wight ferry all over again. 234 00:18:51,254 --> 00:18:55,042 Lying flat on my back on the lavatory floor for 75 minutes! 235 00:18:56,054 --> 00:19:01,651 - Well, you can't lie in the lavatory this time. - Why not? 236 00:19:01,854 --> 00:19:06,644 Because they don't make the lavatories big enough for you to lie flat on your back. 237 00:19:06,814 --> 00:19:12,571 They're only big enough to stand up in or sit down. They're not designed to lie flat out in. 238 00:19:12,774 --> 00:19:17,564 - Not many people do it, except you. - Wonderful. They serve you disgusting food. 239 00:19:17,734 --> 00:19:20,089 They should give decent facilities to be sick! 240 00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:25,163 If you ask them nicely, perhaps they'll let you stick your head out the window (!) 241 00:19:29,694 --> 00:19:34,085 - What's for tea? - I don't know. I think there's a ghost in here. 242 00:19:34,254 --> 00:19:38,042 - Why? - I left two kidneys on a saucer in the kitchen. 243 00:19:38,214 --> 00:19:40,569 I don't suppose you've had them. 244 00:19:41,574 --> 00:19:46,170 What would I want to eat two raw kidneys for, for goodness' sake? 245 00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:49,326 - I mean... - What's that? 246 00:19:49,494 --> 00:19:53,885 - Have you seen this? - You've only just brought it in! 247 00:19:54,054 --> 00:19:57,569 - This bit here. ''Your Prayers Are Asked''. - Mm-hm. 248 00:19:57,774 --> 00:20:02,370 ''Your prayers are asked for Great Uncle Dick that his suffering may be eased, 249 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:05,128 ''for Dennis and Deirdre on their tragic loss, 250 00:20:05,294 --> 00:20:09,048 ''for Auntie Jane that a miracle cure may be found 251 00:20:09,214 --> 00:20:14,846 ''and for Victor Meldrew who's going on a fortnight's holiday to Athens.'' 252 00:20:15,054 --> 00:20:19,650 - You're making that up. - I'm not. It's here in black and white. Look. 253 00:20:19,814 --> 00:20:24,763 You can see it. Here, look. Somebody's put this in for devilment. 254 00:20:24,934 --> 00:20:28,529 You know who this is? Nobby Godfrey! 255 00:20:29,534 --> 00:20:34,562 He's in the packing line at the ''Herald''. He'd get a reduced rate. I'll reduce him! 256 00:20:55,774 --> 00:20:57,571 Ow! Oh. 257 00:20:59,574 --> 00:21:03,567 - What's the matter? - My leg's gone to sleep. 258 00:21:03,734 --> 00:21:08,933 I can't feel anything. I can't feel anything at all. It's all cold and scaly. 259 00:21:11,494 --> 00:21:15,487 - Oh, go back to sleep. - Ah! Oh! Ah! 260 00:21:20,214 --> 00:21:25,004 - Must be cramp. - It's lying in one position for too long. 261 00:21:26,174 --> 00:21:28,563 (HE SIGHS) 262 00:21:36,694 --> 00:21:39,083 (DOORBELL RINGS) 263 00:21:57,574 --> 00:21:59,963 Victor? Are you up yet? 264 00:22:00,134 --> 00:22:02,932 It's half past nine! Victor! 265 00:22:03,094 --> 00:22:05,688 (VICTOR) Oh, my God! No! 266 00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:14,887 - Whatever is it? What's happened? - Gloria Hunniford's on breakfast television. 267 00:22:15,054 --> 00:22:19,047 - She's never off the bloody box. - I thought you'd had a heart attack! 268 00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:21,848 Insect repellent. Where's that? 269 00:22:22,014 --> 00:22:24,403 Ah! Here we are. 270 00:22:24,574 --> 00:22:27,168 Think that gets rid of Gloria Hunniford? 271 00:22:33,374 --> 00:22:35,763 No, she's still there. 272 00:22:36,974 --> 00:22:39,647 Right, then, I think that's about it. All set. 273 00:22:39,854 --> 00:22:43,972 - Have you taken your tranquilliser? - I'm just about to take it. 274 00:22:44,174 --> 00:22:49,294 Oh, by the way, that man called round. You might have said he'd be that early. 275 00:22:51,334 --> 00:22:53,325 What man? 276 00:22:53,534 --> 00:22:55,331 Huh? 277 00:23:07,374 --> 00:23:13,165 - What man called round when? - Said he was a friend of Rick's, that dustman. 278 00:23:13,334 --> 00:23:17,327 He'd brought the eggs, as you arranged yesterday. 279 00:23:18,494 --> 00:23:21,327 I said I didn't know anything about it. 280 00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:24,412 Still, it was nice of him, I suppose. 281 00:23:26,774 --> 00:23:31,609 He didn't seem to want any money for them. Seemed in a bit of a rush, to be honest. 282 00:23:31,814 --> 00:23:34,806 Perhaps he keeps chickens. 283 00:23:34,974 --> 00:23:38,489 Do you want a cooked breakfast or just porridge? 284 00:23:38,694 --> 00:23:43,085 Er, porridge would be safer today, what with everything. 285 00:23:43,254 --> 00:23:45,848 - What's this written on the side? - What? 286 00:23:46,014 --> 00:23:50,212 - ''Alligator''. - Yes, he mentioned Alligator Eggs. 287 00:23:50,374 --> 00:23:55,653 - It's the firm, evidently. You don't want any? - Just a piece of toast and some marmalade. 288 00:23:55,854 --> 00:24:00,450 Seems a shame to waste them, though. We're not going to be here. 289 00:24:00,614 --> 00:24:05,210 I thought perhaps Mrs Warboys would like a couple. 290 00:24:07,694 --> 00:24:11,846 - So... - She's ready to eat again, is she? 291 00:24:12,054 --> 00:24:16,650 Yes, she's all right, so long as it's something simple and bland. 292 00:24:17,654 --> 00:24:20,043 So long as it's nothing that might upset her. 293 00:24:21,774 --> 00:24:26,370 Do you want to pop these round while your porridge is doing? 294 00:24:28,374 --> 00:24:30,569 Yes, all right. 295 00:24:32,774 --> 00:24:35,368 I'm sorry about that. I really am. 296 00:24:35,534 --> 00:24:40,324 I got about halfway through and that was as much as I could stomach, I'm afraid. 297 00:24:40,494 --> 00:24:45,204 The man in the shop said it was harmless family entertainment. 298 00:24:45,414 --> 00:24:47,405 Harmless? 299 00:24:47,574 --> 00:24:51,965 When that man in the spacesuit got that thing all... 300 00:24:52,134 --> 00:24:53,931 Oh! 301 00:24:54,094 --> 00:24:58,690 It was two and a half hours before I could leave the bathroom. 302 00:24:58,894 --> 00:25:00,964 Dear, oh, dear. 303 00:25:01,174 --> 00:25:05,486 - What time do you have to be at the airport? - Another two hours. 304 00:25:05,654 --> 00:25:11,047 Tell Margaret thanks very much and have a nice holiday, won't you? Both of you. 305 00:25:11,214 --> 00:25:13,648 And go easy on the ouzo. 306 00:25:13,854 --> 00:25:18,006 Yes, we will. Thank you very much. We'll see you when we get back. 307 00:25:18,214 --> 00:25:20,603 Send me a postcard! 308 00:25:39,854 --> 00:25:41,845 Aaaaargh! 309 00:25:43,574 --> 00:25:48,170 - How was she? - Fine. Seems to be more her old self again. 310 00:25:48,334 --> 00:25:52,327 Oh, good. That parcel came for you while you were out. 311 00:25:52,494 --> 00:25:54,291 Ah. 312 00:25:54,454 --> 00:26:00,165 Sent locally. Ah, you know what this will be. He's sent them back after all. 313 00:26:00,334 --> 00:26:04,725 - What? - The electricity man. Uncle George's shoes. 314 00:26:06,374 --> 00:26:08,968 Oh, no! I don't believe it! 315 00:26:13,374 --> 00:26:18,368 ''Kindly refrain from dropping your cast-off hats in other people's building skips. 316 00:26:18,534 --> 00:26:21,731 ''A skip such as this costs us L25 a day 317 00:26:21,894 --> 00:26:26,888 ''and is not outside our house as a general rubbish receptacle for the use of all and sundry 318 00:26:27,054 --> 00:26:29,966 ''in discarding items of unwanted headgear!'' 319 00:26:31,974 --> 00:26:35,364 How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody thing? 320 00:26:35,534 --> 00:26:40,324 If I went into the garden and buried it, someone would come to the Acropolis and say, 321 00:26:40,494 --> 00:26:42,485 ''Is this your hat?'' 322 00:26:42,654 --> 00:26:45,122 How did they know where to send it? 323 00:26:45,334 --> 00:26:48,406 God! What have you got in here? 324 00:26:48,574 --> 00:26:51,168 It weighs a ton! 325 00:26:52,174 --> 00:26:55,052 And you talk to me about taking too much! 326 00:26:57,374 --> 00:27:01,970 The taxi will be here in 20 minutes, so you'd better look sharp. 327 00:27:03,174 --> 00:27:05,563 Did you take your tranquilliser? 328 00:27:06,574 --> 00:27:09,964 - Mm? - I said did you take your tra... 329 00:27:13,774 --> 00:27:16,493 Good thing we're going. Did you see this? 330 00:27:16,654 --> 00:27:20,852 That garden centre you went to, they've lost a snake. 331 00:27:21,014 --> 00:27:26,327 - It escaped Thursday morning. - Don't, Margaret. It makes me squirm. 332 00:27:26,494 --> 00:27:32,012 ''A five-year-old Indian python. It was over seven foot long with olive-green...'' 333 00:27:32,174 --> 00:27:37,168 Margaret, you know what that sort of thing does to me. Can we not dwell on it, please? 334 00:27:37,334 --> 00:27:42,533 Oh, damn! I bet I never packed that book for the plane. Oh, yes, I did. 335 00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:45,288 I put it right at the bottom. That's right. 336 00:27:46,374 --> 00:27:51,767 You'll get stuck into that and in a few hours we'll be there. You'll see. Safe and sound. 337 00:27:52,734 --> 00:27:55,328 Yes, I suppose I'm worrying unduly, as usual. 338 00:27:55,494 --> 00:28:00,488 When you get to it, things often aren't as bad as you expect, are they? You're quite right. 339 00:28:00,654 --> 00:28:05,444 I think I'm going to be all right on this plane trip after all. 340 00:28:07,574 --> 00:28:11,283 341 00:28:11,494 --> 00:28:14,372 342 00:28:14,574 --> 00:28:17,771 343 00:28:17,974 --> 00:28:21,364 344 00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:25,203 345 00:28:25,414 --> 00:28:28,690 346 00:28:28,894 --> 00:28:31,886 347 00:28:32,054 --> 00:28:36,047 348 00:28:36,254 --> 00:28:39,291 349 00:28:39,494 --> 00:28:43,203 350 00:28:43,414 --> 00:28:46,247 and I can still misbehave 351 00:28:46,454 --> 00:28:49,651 352 00:28:49,814 --> 00:28:52,612 353 00:28:53,614 --> 00:28:56,412 354 00:28:57,412 --> 00:29:07,412 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org